[This is ‘just’ a personal reflection, triggered by the events of my recent past…]
One of my personal ‘weak spots’—in which my cognitive and personal barriers to ‘feelings’ have almost no strength of resistance—is music with lyrics. (A very close second is lyrical poetry – every day I read a sonnet from Jesus the Harmoney, Gospel Sonnets for 366 Days by Gracia M. Grindal – never escaping without tears or amazed wonder at the treasures revealed in those reflections upon scripture.)
My emotions explode when ‘assaulted’ by certain Christian hymns or contemporary songs. I simply cannot contain myself in those situations, always breaking into deep sobs and flowing tears (of joy), but sometimes even emitting wails/screams because the experience of the Spirit is just too intense to keep bottled up.
[This, btw, is one of the main reasons I have not been able to attend good church services in the past— when they get to the music, I have to leave to avoid creating a scene… sigh… I did some online ones, but only the kinds you could pause and resume.]
This year has been a ‘Just Be Held” (the song, Casting Crowns) year or two… the challenges of 2024-5 so far have been a swirling vortex of uncertainty, failures, hopelessness, pressures from others, impossible demands, scary future, and volatility unprecedented for me... the lyrics of that song contained the phrase ‘chained by your control’, referring to an inability to ‘let go’ (emotionally/psychically) of hyper-management, hyper- vigilance, and hyper-attention.
And with a ‘multi-variant trauma’ background, you expect to get ‘hit, but you cannot often anticipate the vector it will be (velocity, direction, coordinates of origin…sigh). I never got to do much therapy, so the Lord has just held me together over the years.
As you might suspect from the detail of my writings, I pursue data, clarity, comprehensiveness, and precision (nothing Bayesian for me, if possible—lol). And my mental state is generally churning, ‘working on plans’ and trying to solve ‘puzzles’ and trying to prepare for the unknown future (to the extent I have ANY visibility into that future). Much of my career was in ‘strategic planning’ and ‘forecasting tech futures’… so I tend to live that way too—unintentionally.
Jesus balances ‘give no thought for tomorrow, for the troubles of today are sufficient’ with the parables of ‘counting the cost’ (going to war, building a tower).
Of course, I ‘religiously’ follow the rules: casting all your cares upon him, pray without ceasing, never give up (unjust judge story). And I have 3 dozen+ 'thank you' lists, each one created at the Thankgiving holiday, in reviewing what happened that year.
But there are times – several recently (lol) – where He sets a ‘stretch goal’ in front of me—lol.
The most vivid one was about this time last year. I was dealing with a difficult angry elderly relative, who was resisting moving into an assisted living facility. I had an 8-hour drive ahead of me, and I was looking forward to praying and listening to music during that time – trying to take a ‘break’ from the chaos/crisis.
I resolved to ‘just be held’ during the time, and NOT CHECK MESSAGES – although expecting to receive BAD ONES… I noticed the messages notifications on the phone, but made it all 8 hours without checking them---trusting, mentally ‘being held’, and when I finally reached my destination, the messages queued up were POSITIVE… it was a first for me, to calm myself down in such an INTENSE challenge… I had done tons of lesser ones, but this apparently was a ‘stretch goal’ of His… smile
[Of course, the situation reversed itself the next day—lol—which required a different approach, but I have been able to practice that 'just be held' walk more often now… important lesson…]
And when it gets bad (and it still does), I have to disassociate into a little picture/collage I made for these situations – and cry out to Jesus “hug me, Jesus”—I am still little glenn, and I will always be such…
But the song below [Not for a Moment, by Meredith Andrews], that ‘rescued me’ from some other type of swirling drain pathway, made me reflect on something I have noticed over the years: I never feel alone when by myself. See my annotations below:
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
I have been through THOUSANDs of storms, terrified by them all, but I have NEVER. felt forsaken or that He was a ‘thousand miles away’…
I wonder now how different this might be from the experience of others?]
Like I said, I have never felt forsaken, I have never perceived any ‘distance’ from His presences. The “I am with you” reality is the BEDROCK of my existence and my faith, and the background of my daily awareness.
He often feels like a ‘silent companion’, watching me struggle with things, learning as I go, and ready to intervene if/when the situation becomes actually spiritually destructive (not just ‘painful’ or ‘hurtful’ or ‘stressful’)…
It is not some mystical ‘feeling’ type of thing – unless I seriously start reflecting on it at the time –but
some kind of tacit awareness(?) of His active reality embedded in my local environment (maybe more like
‘in my local situation’ in the same sense that I am embedded in my local situation. (?)
[Serious philosphers have explored and examined this type of experience, and concluded that it is rational and defensible (e.g. The Epistemology of Religious Experience, William P. Alston).]
..........................
What I consider a ‘side effect’ of this reality, is that I never experience ‘loneliness’ (as I understand that feeling). Somehow, the Comforter/Companion provides (exudes?) a sense of ‘active engagement’ of the divine presence in even the quietest moments of solitude. I ‘sense’ the quiet grace of His acceptance of me, and His willingness to engage further in the quiet—should I choose to do so.
This awareness of His active presence (but not ‘invasive’) in every moment of my life is how I survive without shriveling up, ossifying, and dying inside.
And all I have to do is to stop what I am doing and REFLECT ON THAT REALITY and speak ‘You are here—THANK YOU” and I will get lost in the ‘joy of the Lord’ that will burn with divine fire in my little heart, with intensity unlike anything on earth, before I have to PULL AWAY from that…
I think of ‘hugging’ the theophoric file at Sinai – how that would vaporize ANYTHING – and know that grace/love/His goodness has wrapped that beautiful fire up, just to ‘hug me’ and share his boundless life with me – in those few moments… no words for that transcendence-in-imminence-in-presence experience…
Some of you will know this experience (it is not a ‘partisan’ thing—people of all denominations know this experience – it is just ‘approaching God’ when the distractions have been pushed away (by oneself or by being overwhelmed by pain – and you run into His arms), but I hope everyone who reads this will perhaps seek that encounter, not in some weird thrill-seeking way, nor seeking the ‘experience’ itself – but the encounter heart-to-heart with the Living God, who breathes life with every word and mediates confidence in every silence.
The rest of the lyrics trigger the same story ---
He has my heart, if not my obedience. He has my adoration, in not my understanding of His ways.
Some one told me decades ago, what he tried to communicate to his kids growing up: “Remember, it is always safe to trust the Lord” (and the scriptures remind us, that it is ONLY safe to trust the Lord—lol— and especially when we have to trust others like us.)
I had found this to be true – the ONLY safe place is being carried by the Good Shepherd.
[Verse 2]
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
[Chorus]
And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me